It’s probably obvious to everyone that everyone with a half decent brain hates the Star Wars prequels. And believe me, even I’m a bit tired of people going on and on about the same shit. Well… I decided to give reasons that I never seen anyone giving before. Because I hate those movies in a deeper way than apparently most people do.
I grew up watching Star Wars. When I was a kid, we actually had cinema night, where we choose a VHS tape and watched it. And me and my brother usually picked a Star Wars movie (or an occasional Indiana Jones). For me, the order of the episode counts goes from worse to best, with Return of the Jedi being my favorite of the six (and if it wasn’t for the fucking Ewoks, it would possibly be one of my favorite movies of all time) and Phantom Menace being the scrap barrel low. In fact, when the first movie came out back in 1999, when I was 9, I had to go to see it, even if that would mean lie my age (and since I was always that big guy who always lies about his age, than it wasn’t a big issue). It was the second movie trilogy that I saw entirely on the big screen, and as Lord of the Rings and Matrix, it sucked.
My complaint will be a little more specific. Nitpicking if you will. Because I was that kind of guy at the time, and some complaints got so deep under my skin, it’s too late to let them go now. This is going to be focused more on the green illiterate gremlin, Yoda.
As most of the mythos brought by the original star wars trilogy, I fucking love Yoda. He’s a fun character to watch when Luke doesn’t know he is master Yoda (because Luke is thick as a brick, I guess), he’s a fun character when Luke realizes he is the master Obi Wan wanted him to see… even when spouting crack based philosophies he’s a quote barrel. How many times, when a friend did something stupid while “trying” to do something great did you quote “do or do not, there is no try?”. How many times you joked about “fear leads to frustration, frustration leads to depression, depression leads to impotence, impotence leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering… yes, impotence is the path to the dark side” or any variant of the sort?
But why is Yoda so great of a character? It’s actually quite simple. For those that do not know, George Lucas basically put some sci-fi mascara on some samurai movies and made the samurai movies watchable (I kid, but I’m not exactly a biggest fan of oriental cinema, mostly because, this is going to sound racist, I can’t differentiate one actor from another). And where does Yoda fits in the plan? Yoda is the master monk.
…bad example… I’m aware of that.
Every movie that has a monastery has this same character. It’s the guy that sits in the distance while everyone is training punching and kicking the air. His beard is white and long, his face is serene, he, my friend, attained all the wisdom of the universe. He’s kind of just waiting to die. No matter how fucking bad ass Jackie Chan is at beating everyone else that is made of atoms, he will always bow his head to the old guy in the monastery. And, of course, the old guy in the monastery will spout out quotable crack based philosophies as well, but he is the ultimate knowledge. He is in balance in the universe. Kind of like he detached himself from reality, because his existence unbalance the balance, to a point where he even know what’s going to happen. He’s just a force (not Force, force) that will or will not happen upon the world. He’s that powerful.
So why, oh fuck why, does he fight? Yoda doesn’t fight. He’s weak at fighting; he’s like 700 years old. He’s the philosopher type of monk. He even specifies a lot of times that he is weak at sword fighting… well, not so as weak, but weaker than most of the Jedi council. I think he even says (…in the prequels…) that Mace Windu (one of the most useless characters created in the prequels, and that’s sad because it was fucking Samuel L. Jackson, of the greatest guys ever) is best than him at light saber fighting. If Yoda should feel the need to fight, he would have used the force in his behalf. You know that scene in the samurai movie where this big muscle villain guy comes in and starts wreaking havoc? He beats the shit out of everyone, but the big old monk, he comes close to him and puts a sword mere millimeters away from the guy’s throat, and you know what the big old monk does? NOTHING. The monk doesn’t even flinch. Heck, he doesn’t even blink, he keeps staying there meditating. The big villain says something like “Aren’t you going to stand up against me?” and the big old monk would say “the will of the chi decides everything, and it shall decide what happens here”.
But in Star Wars, the Force exists. So here is the scenario that I see Yoda in an actual battle. Someone tries to hit him with a light saber and the saber deactivates right when it would transform Yoda into a pile of gooie. Than the guy would try again and it would deflect, but here’s the great part: Yoda wouldn’t even make a move. He’s just willing the force to do his bidding, and it’s doing it. That’s how much Yoda is awesome. He would’ve won Count Dooku and Palpatine by willing it that way.
Other thing about Yoda is that they fucking broke the force with him. What the fuck he told us in fucking Empire Strikes Back? “Do or do not, there is no try”. Therefore, to strain yourself using the Force is useless. If you will it to happen, no matter how big is the task, you can will the force to do it. That’s what he did in Empire Strikes Back. He took a spacecraft off the swamp with mind bullets. Why? Because there is no fucking try. Try = spoons.
Then why, oh fuck why, does he do exactly that? A lot of fucking times. I remember screaming on the fucking movie theater when Count Dooku threw some rocks at Yoda and Yoda, very strain fully, stops the rocks with the force and throws them aside. You do, or you do not. When you strain yourself to do something with the force, you are having doubts about his power, therefore it would not work. THAT’S THE FUCKING PHILOSOPHY!
Well… sorry for the rant. It’s just that this idea came along and really, I have to update things more often. This is JotaKa, signing off.